Friday, December 03, 2004

I'm watching-

-The Man who Shot Liberty Vallance.

I've been on a bit of a Lee Marvin kick after seeing The Big Red One last week, and I'm into it.

That dude was a badass.

Also, I haven't had a lot to do in the cage this week but email and watch movies. I've asked Alyssa if she'll let me get out and go to work, and she's softening up a bit I think.

I mean, I'm pretty mellow when it's not a full moon, and she's still a little freaked out.

Lemme explain.

I killed Ross Williamson Saturday night.

She saw the whole thing. It was pretty awful, when you think about it, but that prick had it coming. I mean, really- he's talking all this trash about how I'm an "unholy monster" and a "demon in the disguise of a man." It's like, "Hey Asshole! I work in a video store! I'm not like, a dick over here!"

Sure, I've turned into a wolf a couple of times, and I can be dangerous, but let's look at the total body count shall we?

Up until the point I killed him, I had killed:

-One (1) cat, which I'm still a little broken up over.
-One (1)Moose which have NO regrets about and was fucking delicious.
-Zero (0) People.

That's right NO people.

Sure, I was the cause of the bus accident, but when it happened, I was honestly just trying to kill myself. There was a drunk in the bathroom, and what happened was really just a horrible accident.
Also, not only did I not kill anybody, BUT I saved a nine year old boy from the burning wreckage!

I mean, Jesus!

What the hell kind of werewolf did this asshole think I was?

Yes, I have some problems.
Yes, I transform into a wolf when the moon is full and I acknowledge that.
Yes, I realize that my condition could make some people uneasy, but regardless of the leadership in Washington, I am not in favor of preemptive strikes.

I have a disease, and it ought to be treated as one.

You know, if I had health insurance.

The night he caught up to me, I had planned to handcuff myself to the bed again, but when I got home, I realized I lost the cuffs on the bus. At wits end, with the sun setting, I went into my bathroom and took a bunch of pills. I still had a bunch of Ativan from when I used to get panic attacks, and I just went to the bathroom and ate the whole bottle. I tried to do it with scotch at first, but it was really hard to swallow them fast, so I switched to water. After I finished the pills, I tried to go back to the scotch, but found that I couldn't drink any because I couldn't find my lips. As I was finishing the pills, I remember thinking that it was weird that I agreed to work a part shift at the store that day. I mean shit, I was committing suicide, and I spent my last day on earth reshelving Harry Potter DVD's?

That blows.

I dropped the bottle of scotch, which hit the bathroom floor and broke without making a sound. Then everything went into a haze, I could feel myself blacking out, and- I started to change into the wolf. It was weird though, there was no pain this time, no rush of power, it was just kind of ...mellow. Like I was growing paws and shit, and hair, and a tail! I saw my own tail just sprouting out of my ass, and I was digging it!

I totally turned into a werewolf and was just totally chill, man! I was actually hanging out in my bathroom just fucking waggin' my tail!

I mean, you have no fucking idea how good it feels to have a tail, and you can just WAG that son of a bitch! Then, you kind of get excited by it, which makes you happy, and then, it just WAGS ON IT'S OWN!

You're just hanging out, pysched, and that thing's busy wagging.


It was then that Williamson broke down my door.

You know what's funny is, you know what I did when I first heard them approaching the door?

I barked.

How funny is that?

Anyway, when they broke in, I started up, immediately more alert than I had been, and roared. The animal was back, momentarily at least. I went to get up, misjudged where the doorframe was and smashed straight into the wall. I was pretty stoned. That's when Williamson started in with his "demon" bullshit.

Alyssa was right behind him, she was dragging this heavy net and had like a speargun thing with her, but Williamson was standing in front of her, and he was a big dude. Real barrelchested and pompous looking, with this black stick in his hand. He was built like an NFL lineman- must have been about 6' 5" with arms like fucking cannons, and a neck bigger than his face, which was one of those chubby, once-handsome kind of asshole gym teacher faces. I would have wanted to tear it off his fat head even if I wasn't an animal at the time.

"Stand Down Demon!" he bellowed, "For you have faced your final match. It is I, Ross Williamson, Werewolf Hunter!"

Can you believe that shit?

"You are a child of Satan, and a nightwalker who poisons all of those who live in the light of the Almighty God! I will vanquish thee if you do not relinqish! Do you relinqish, beast?"

Then he took his stick and tasered the shit out of my shoulder, sending me skidding away.

Now look.

I wasn't hurting anybody in there. I was just a mellowed out werewolf, digging on my pills, sitting in my bathroom watching my tail wag. And this Jesus freak dildo with a four foot taser just WALTZES into MY house and calls me a SINNER?

Fuck him.

I was groggy from the jolt and had rolled back into the corner of the bathroom where I was licking my wounds.


I was actually licking my wounds!
Isn't that awesome?

Anyway, he took the taser in both hands and stepped forward again. I rolled my paws under my ass, and with a low rumbling growl building in my throat, poised myself to spring.

"Thou art a demon in the disguise of man, and I call down upon Almighty God in all of his benevolence to guide my hand as I strike down this beast in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit! God if you are there- give me strength for what must come next!"

I leapt straight up in the air, and with one powerful swing of my right paw, swatted his head clean off. No shit. It bounced on the floor, higher than you'd think, and rolled past Aylssa, who screamed. As Williamson's body hit the floor, now gushing blood, I turned to Alyssa, and she poked me with something.

I woke up in the cage.

Anybody know a doctor who can get a brother some more Ativan?

Oh, and some suggestions on a few other good Lee Marvin movies. That motherfucker knocked off a few heads in his day too, I bet.


At 6:09 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never seen it myself but have heard about it but if you get tired of Lee Marvin the badass, you can try Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon. He stars with Clint Eastwood in this Western movie that was adapted from a musical. I don't know if he sings in the movie but if he does, it might make for a good laugh!

Which, er, uhm, being stuck in a cage and all, you, ahem, might need at some point.

Good luck with that!

Randwulf (no pun or slight intended with my LJ name)

At 10:04 AM , Blogger Amy said...

Cat Ballou is great. Highly recommend it - unless you can't gloss over the fact that Jane Fonda is in it, and then you might not like it as much. Still, Lee Marvin plays twins!

And I'm fairly certain he sings in Paint Your Wagon - which so does Clint Eastwood, I think.

At 12:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. You have exorcized the demons of all the gym teachers I ever had.



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