Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The Good news-

-The iPod works, and Dan's back on the line.

The bad news?

He's pissed.

I was desparately scrolling through it yesterday, and all of a sudden, there he was:

"Hey! Dumbass!"

Dan? That you?

"No, it's the other undead murder victim that talks to you though an iPod."

Nice. Sarcasm. I turn into a werewolf, and kill my own cat, and you gotta break my stones?

"Oh, you mean Grapes? He's here."

He is!? That's awesome- how's he doing?

"How do you think he's doing dickbag? You bit him in half and devoured him- if you really want to see how he's doing, I recommend you check your stool."

Is he OK now?

"Well, yeah- he looks a little messy, but we got him stitched together-he's a cool cat."

Agreed. God, I feel so bad about that-

"He's some pissed at you, too- he's stuck here as well."

Do cats go to heaven?

"What are you, a werewolf or a 13 year old girl? Christ, you're a pussy."

Jesus, excuse me- I'm just concerned about him is all-

"Well, if you really love him, maybe you oughta kill yourself."

That's all you talk about isn't it? I mean, when you're not being a total shithead-

"Well look Kirk. Here's the facts. You're a werewolf. When the Moon is full, you will change into a monster and you will kill. Next time, it won't just be a cat. It will be a person. It could be someone you love, it could be a friend, it could just be a stranger, but that still makes you a murderer. Can you really live with that?"

Well- I...fuck- I don't know.

"So, do it. Jump out the window. End this thing."

But what if there's a cure?

"A cure? A cure? Yeah, I got a cure for you, a silver bullet right through your fucking brain, asshole. What do you have to live for anyway? You work in a video store, you don't have a girlfriend and you've already seen the Sox win the World Series. Now suck a tailpipe, douchebag, you've seen it all."

Good point. Still, I don't know, man- what about that homeless guy? He seemed to know I was cursed, maybe he could find a way to stop this?

"Look man, do what you want to do, but all I know is that the longer you screw around, the longer I don't get to heaven, and it's not a hell of lot of fun wandering around here with the Frankencat."

Sorry about that. By the way, he like it when you scratch his tummy.

"His Tummy is pretty much gone over here."


"Look dude, the other important thing you need to know is that there will be another full moon on November 19th. Whatever you do, make sure you figure something out before then."

Right- Oh shit, I have to go vote today- hey- I just had a funny thought.

"I doubt it."

Ok, you know that P. Diddy ad campaign 'vote or die?'

"I guess"

Well, those are kind of my choices right now- I mean, I could go vote, or I could get to work on planning my suicide. Get it, vote or die?

"You should drink a fucking quart of bleach just for making that joke."

Yeah, sorry.

"No seriously, you should go drink a quart of bleach, RIGHT NOW."

Ha ha ha.

"Really, you should- actually come to think about it, who you voting for?"

Kerry, why?

"Well, you better go vote- You might be a werewolf, but when it comes to evil in the world you really oughta take care of that motherfucker Bush first. That guy is seriously evil. Go get that done."

I hear you- and I'm gonna try to track down that homeless guy too-



"Go fuck yourself."


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