Saturday, December 11, 2004

Worked at the video store today-

Yep- Alyssa's been pretty cool about the whole thing.

She's been letting me go into work, and I went back to my apartment, paid rent (late- she helped me, with Williamson's cash) and I've been kind of losing myself in it. Plus, I'd like to have some extra money for Christmas presents. I checked the almanac and the next full moon is the fucking 26th. Can you fucking believe that? The last one was Thanksgiving. The holidays are stressful enough to deal with, and now this? I got a christmas present for you, here it is: "Hi, I'll be in a cage, raging against the world in the form of wolf! My present to you this year is not, well- eating you. Merry Christmas!" By the way, I have an interesting New Year's resolution.

Here goes:

"Don't murder anybody else."

What do you think?

I need a drink.

It's been mostly OK over at the store. Today I had a kind of weird interaction. I didn't feel like watching any movies. I put in Van Helsing for about 20 minutes, and only made it as far as the shitty CGI werewolf. It was pretty stupid. Werewolves are WAY smaller than that in real life.

And they're also, you know, not cartoons.

So Stevie, the guy I was working with, had a Wu Tang CD, and we just threw that on to listen to instead of a movie. It's pretty fun to do that, just throw on some tunes, and then put maybe a kung fu movie or something on with the sound off. Normally, it's fine to do that, but today, I found myself creating a new account for this really nice, demure Asian lady, who was maybe 50 years old, very meek and reserved. She seemed like the kind of woman who was uncomfortable talking to a man at all, much less a scruffy, unshowered video clerk wearing a Lemonheads shirt that says "Hate Your Friends." I immediatley became cautious talking to her, as I could tell she was VERY conservative. Anyway, when you do a new account for somebody, it takes about five minutes. You have to get all their credit card and driver's licence info, enter it into the computer, make a rental card and laminate it.

Just as she says she wants a new account, the intro to that Method Man track "Torture" comes on- You know the one? It's the one where they describe the most fucked up tortures they can think of, and there really isn't any music, they're just pretty much talking in a very clear, audible manner.

This is kind of how it went down:

ME: Yeah, so I'll need a credit card and a photo ID

CD PLAYER: Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what?/Torture nigga what?/ What?

HER: Here you are.

CD PLAYER: I'll fuckin/ I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost/ with your ass cheeks spread out and shit/ Right?

ME: Thanks. ( I start entering her info)

CD PLAYER: Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there/ for like a half hour/
Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like/ Tssssssss............

She stared at her shoes.

ME: OK, and what's your local address?

HER: Uh...uh.... 478 Grand street

CD PLAYER: Yeah, I'll fuckin/ Yeah I'll fuckin lay your nuts on a fuckin dresser/

ME: Apartment number?

CD PLAYER: Just your nuts layin on a fuckin dresser/

HER: 6-B

CD PLAYER: And bang them shits with a spiked fuckin bat/ Ooooohhhh/ Whassup? /BLAOWWW!!

ME: Zip?

CD PLAYER: I'll fuckin/ I'll fuckin pull your fuckin tongue out your fuckin mouth

HER: One one one two....

CD PLAYER: and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLAOWW!!

ME: one one two.?

CD PLAYER: I'll fuckin/ I'll fuckin/ I'll fuckin hang you by your fuckin dick/

HER: one seven...six! one-one-two-one-six.

CD PLAYER: Off a fuckin twelve story building out this motherfucker!

ME: One....six. Great- did you want any guests on the account?

HER: Um... I- thank you.

ME: Well, there you go- All DVD's and new releases are 3 dollars and tapes that aren't new are two dollars. Everything is a one night rental and is due back by 11:00 PM the next day.

CD PLAYER: I'll fuckin/ I'll fuckin/ sew your asshole closed/

HER: Uh, OK.

ME: The late fees are just what you paid for the movie, so if you return this movie a day late, the fee would be three dollars- cool?

CD PLAYER: and keep feedin you/ and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you

HER: What? Sorry. Yes.

CD PLAYER: Yo, roll the dice, yo roll the dice/

ME: Have a nice day.

CD PLAYER: Yo, so it's going down like that, huh? Yeah?

HER: Goodbye.

CD PLAYER: Niggaz is whylin, check it out kid...

I wonder if she'll ever come back.

Screw it.

I have bigger problems.


At 3:25 AM , Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

That is the funniest thing you have ever posted.

At 3:28 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, though, it's a good resolution- realistic.

I agree with you about Van Helsing. With goofy CGI monsters running around in movies these days, it doesn't surprise me a bit that people don't believe you with this blog.

Anyway, hang in there. Keep fighting the good fight. I'll be reading.


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