Saturday, November 13, 2004

Jesus, Christ.

I'm in California for what- 36 hours now, and already the comments section is coming out in force for homeopathic werewolf cures?

Lemme explain something to you guys- when the moon is full, my skeleton starts snapping, growing, and expanding, I grow more hair in 35 minutes than an Italian family does in a decade, and I go from a fairly non-athletic video store clerk who enjoys marijuana to a ravenous animal that can leap up to 40 feet and is blinded by an insatiable need to kill.

I'm sure a little Ginko Biloba is gonna knock that right out.

Not to get all stand-up comic-y on you, but the biggest difference I've seen between New York and LA is that New York is about embracing the fucked up suffering, and LA is about embracing the fucked up cure.

So I had my "meeting" today, and the guy, who was in development for something called Boy in the Drain Productions, hadn't even read it.

His name was Ted, and he was wearing a weird kimono type shirt, baggy shorts and even though I was sure he was Irish, he had bangs that came down over his forehead in such a way that I suspected momentarily that he might be Asian.

It kind of went down like this-

"Kirk! Great to see you again!"

-um, I don't think we've ever met- I'm the guy with th-

"Treatment about the whore trapped in the Incan pyramid, yes! I loved that!!"

-No, I did, uh- what is happening to me?"

"You're having breakfast in LA, son, it's the big time- now calm down and tell me about the whore- I was thinking Lindsay Lohan, but if that's too high end and she has a problem with the mummy gang rape scene then we can-"

-No! I'm the- um... werewolf guy.

"Raped by werewolves? I'm not sure that's gonna go- Frankenstein can rape, the mummy can rape, vampires- well, they pretty much seduce and don't have have to rape- but I don't know about werewolves, I mean, are they suited for that kind of thing?"


"You know, downstairs?"

-I, uh....look. I do this blog, about how I was bitten by an ani-

"What the hell is a blog?"

From there it was pretty much downhill.

So it looks like there's not going to be a "What is Happening to me" movie. It's just as well, I suppose, I have enough problems.

The good news is, he invited me to Patrick Warburton's birthday party today.

It should be a good time.


At 5:22 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it might not seem like it now, but you doged a bullet. By the time "What is happening to me" hit the big screen, it probably would be about a whore being raped by Incan Frankenstiens. Some people just don't care about the original intent of the author, and that goes doubly for you, since you're not just writing it, you're living it!

At 7:27 PM , Blogger ahniwa said...

I was just reading through your blog, and had the Nov 01 New Yorker open in front of me, as I'd been leafing through that earlier, when I realized that the page it was open to had a poem called "All Hallows' Eve" on it, by Dorothea Tanning. I won't bore you by reproducing the entire thing, but the last two lines read:

Drink tasty antidotes. Otherwise,
You and the werewolf: newlyweds.
Okay, so it is the New Yorker from the day after Halloween; so it's not a huge coincidence that it would have a poem mentioning a werewolf in it, but I thought it cool all the same.

Anyway, perhaps you should look into finding some of these "tasty antidotes". Though if I recall, tasty beverages helped get you into this mess in the first place. Still, can't hurt. Good luck!

At 1:20 AM , Blogger The Unsomnambulist said...

Thats funny - I just worked with a guy today who left to go to Warburton's birthday party.
Small world, L.A. is...

At 9:55 PM , Blogger xyzzy said...

At 5:09 PM , Blogger Jereme said...

"...The biggest difference I've seen between New York and LA is that New York is about embracing the fucked up suffering, and LA is about embracing the fucked up cure."

I have been reading through this very entertaining blog. I have to tell you that, if you authored the quote above, that is pure poetry. Brilliant!


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