Thursday, February 10, 2005

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

I know I was going to update you on the Dan conversation, but here's what happened.

I got home kinda late, and decided to reheat some soup.

It was split pea, with lentils, carrots, onions, and big chunks of leftover ham steak.

It was pretty good when I made it, so I was looking forward to it.

Last night, when I thawed it out and heated it up, I found that the soup had become a far more savory meal than it ever was in the first place. Where there once was just ham, peas and vegetables, now there was harmony. This soup was not just soup, it had become unity, it had become bliss, and as I found out 15 minutes later, it had become a rather shockingly effective laxative.

So, yeah- I was kind of busy with- well... you know- shitting.

Anyway, I did talk to Dan-

I got out the iPod, and scanned down to his name.


Hey Kirk, what's up?

"I dunno, kinda bored, a little lonely. Alyssa left, and I don't have anybody to-"

-Have sex with? That's a tragedy. Did I tell you about how I haven't had a penis for the past 5 months?

"No- not just have sex with- I mean, you know, talk about things. Um- hold on. You don't have penis?"

Nope. no corporeal form at all, really- hence: zero in the way of the brass danglers. I'm over it.

"Yeah. OK."

So, you're a little mopey and you figured you'd rattle the ghost's chains, huh?

"Well- I had this idea. Oh, and by the way, thanks a lot for your help when I know..."

-A total fucking vegetable?

"Well, I'd put it another way-"

Braindead recluse?

"No- not really, I think I'd say-"

Dog fucker?

"CHRIST! Lay off, would ya?"

Sorry, I still get a kick out that. So what's your idea?

"Well- what if I, you know- just for little companionship.."

Are you asking my permission for you to get a hooker?

"No! I mean- it's not that. It's just- I just, don't have anybody to talk to about this- wolf stuff. I mean, Jeff was a dick, but at least we could sort of- I dunno, talk about stuff. I mean, what we were going through and- I guess I just thought, what if I...


"What if I....bit somebody?"


"No- I mean, I know- it seems crazy at first-"

AT FIRST?! AT FIRST? That seems crazy at first, at last and all over the fucking planet! You get a little mopey and you want to ruin someone's life and create another murderer? If you do that, I'm gone. I don't know how I'll do it, but I guarentee you, even if I'm trapped in this F-ing thing forever, I'll never talk to you again!

"Well- look- I mean, I just-"

Conversation over. talk to me again when you're less crazy.

And then he was gone.

I mean, I know that it's a morally questionable thing to do, but that's just it. It's questionable. So why not ask the question? I mean, isn't it possible that someone WANTS to be a werewolf? I mean, I'd have to make sure they were cool with staying in a cage, and they weren't gonna go all murder-happy, but there have got to be people out there who earnestly desire radical change in their lives, and who knows, maybe we could actually create the beginnings of some kind of ACTUAL werewolf community somewhat like the one that Bruce built in my mind.

Why couldn't that be possible?

OK that's enough.

I have to go take a crap.



At 7:38 PM , Blogger Ben said...

I could go for becoming a werewolf.

Seriously, I've thought about it. You know, weighed the consequences and all that. I can see that there would be downsides. I'd probably have to get rid of my two cats, which my wife would be pissed about, but I'm sure I could convince her.


At 9:09 PM , Anonymous Chip said...

Heck, show up at any furry convention (one list at ''), and you'll find a hundred willing victims.

At 10:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Kirk, how's it going? Um, I just thought I would let you know, good luck with the biting someone thing. If you're rollin' and you see me and think I would be a good candidate for a bite; I will shoot you in the groin.
I just thought I should give you the heads up on that.


At 12:58 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

And to think you only had to resort to toilet "humor" only once before. All I have to say is: thanks for finally taking this blog into the crapper with you, Kirk.



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