I called Dark Threat today
In case you're curious who that is, check the comments from the last entry.
It turns out she was a 16 year old girl from upstate New York whose goth ex-boyfriend thought he was both a werewolf AND a vampire, and had a habit of bleeding from every orifice while screaming. She said he never actually changed into a beast, he just thought he might.
Believe me, if you're a real werewolf, you'll know it.
It begs the question, how does that dude have a girlfriend, and I don't?
When I was a kid, guys like that pretty much just settled for listening to The Cure.
I told her it was a good thing that they aren't seeing each other anymore, told her not to hurt herself and hung up.
Oh, and if any other ladies out there are intrigued with me, I'll assure you that I haven't had any problems with the orifice-bleeding. I'm pretty much disease-free, except for- well, you know- the werewolf thing, which may not even be a disease.
God damn, I need some health insurance.
Either way, I figure that from now on, if anybody wants to get in touch with me, go ahead and email me at email@example.com. I figure that it's not the safest thing in the world to go leaving your phone number on blogs and stuff, and I can tell you right now that even if I wasn't a horribly dangerous beast for 3 nights a month, I'd still have no business calling 16 year girls on the phone.
I may be a monster, but I'm not a pedophile, for God's sake.
Still it makes me wonder- if this werewolf thing spreads much beyond me, would there ever be some kind of "Megan's Law" rule for known werewolves? You know, where you have to visit all your neighbors and just hip them to the risk?
They could call it "Dark Threat's Law", and I'd have to walk around Williamsburg knocking on doors and saying- "Hi- I'm Kirk Thomson, and State law has required me to tell you that I'm a lycanthrope. Also, if you stop by Reel Life, I'll hook you up with a free rental- thanks for being cool about all this."
Still, most of my neighbors speak Spanish.
I wonder how you say "lycanthrope" in Spanish?
My life has taken a turn, people.
I mean, Jesus- last month I was wondering how the hell I was going to pay rent on my video store salary, and now I'm in Los Angeles, going to occult bookstores, and calling people named "Dark Threat" on the phone.
What the hell is happening to me?
I head back to New York on Thursday.
Lock your doors.