Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I called Dark Threat today

In case you're curious who that is, check the comments from the last entry.

It turns out she was a 16 year old girl from upstate New York whose goth ex-boyfriend thought he was both a werewolf AND a vampire, and had a habit of bleeding from every orifice while screaming. She said he never actually changed into a beast, he just thought he might.

Believe me, if you're a real werewolf, you'll know it.

It begs the question, how does that dude have a girlfriend, and I don't?

When I was a kid, guys like that pretty much just settled for listening to The Cure.

I told her it was a good thing that they aren't seeing each other anymore, told her not to hurt herself and hung up.

Oh, and if any other ladies out there are intrigued with me, I'll assure you that I haven't had any problems with the orifice-bleeding. I'm pretty much disease-free, except for- well, you know- the werewolf thing, which may not even be a disease.

God damn, I need some health insurance.

Either way, I figure that from now on, if anybody wants to get in touch with me, go ahead and email me at I figure that it's not the safest thing in the world to go leaving your phone number on blogs and stuff, and I can tell you right now that even if I wasn't a horribly dangerous beast for 3 nights a month, I'd still have no business calling 16 year girls on the phone.

I may be a monster, but I'm not a pedophile, for God's sake.

Still it makes me wonder- if this werewolf thing spreads much beyond me, would there ever be some kind of "Megan's Law" rule for known werewolves? You know, where you have to visit all your neighbors and just hip them to the risk?

They could call it "Dark Threat's Law", and I'd have to walk around Williamsburg knocking on doors and saying- "Hi- I'm Kirk Thomson, and State law has required me to tell you that I'm a lycanthrope. Also, if you stop by Reel Life, I'll hook you up with a free rental- thanks for being cool about all this."

Still, most of my neighbors speak Spanish.

I wonder how you say "lycanthrope" in Spanish?

My life has taken a turn, people.

I mean, Jesus- last month I was wondering how the hell I was going to pay rent on my video store salary, and now I'm in Los Angeles, going to occult bookstores, and calling people named "Dark Threat" on the phone.

What the hell is happening to me?

I head back to New York on Thursday.

Lock your doors.


At 2:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Soy un hombre lobo."

It's amazing what you learn in a college Spanish course.

At 4:15 AM , Blogger Kirk said...

That is so goddamn sweet.

I'm gonna use that.

"Soy un hombre lobo."

This is gonna be swesome. When I get home tomorrow, I'm gonna buy a beer and some smokes at the bodega, look the dude in the eys, and say "Soy un hombre lobo."

Then I'll light a smoke, and walk out.

At 4:15 AM , Blogger Kirk said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:15 AM , Blogger Kirk said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:15 AM , Blogger Kirk said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:39 AM , Blogger Kirk said...

Sorry about that- that last one ended up happening five times.

If this one does, I apologise.

At 1:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Dude,
I'm hoping things work out for you here, I can't see this being the best thing to go through. I wonder though, maybe telling poeple where you work and such isn't such a great idea. I mean what if some impressionable youth (or otherwise) decides to go Van Helsing on you and unload a 12 gauge full of ground-up family silverware in your general direction? Does that factor into your daily plan? Not to put a cramp into your style or anything but I get the impression that you don't want to be checking out prematurely.

At 2:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apropos of someone suggesting there could be 'hunters' out looking for you... and someone else, who thought the local branch of werewolves anonymous might be waiting for you to turn up....

Have you considered that the government might also be interested? Not to add more things for you to worry about with your 2nd full moon approaching, but not many werewolves go on the public record, and I can't help but wonder if Someone might be interested. We're always being told in cautionary/conspiracy tales that the Pentagon's looking for freaky new weapons.

Who knows? They might even have a werewolf file. It's gotta be more productive than alien cover-ups. And maybe they won't want to kidnap you to an underground lab, but just want to interview you for their records, see if they can learn anything. Like if sufficiently crazed and desperate, lycanthropes may actually eat kitty litter. Who knew?

On the other hand, the way the new administration is shaping up, they might also be looking to recruit you. I hear there's an opening for the National Security Advisor, which is a step up from Reel Time. But then, a current cabinet position is also sort of a step down from maniacly chasing innocents down and disemboweling them. I mean, you didn't MEAN to kill your cat, now did you?

At 7:17 AM , Blogger Bone said...

It begs the question, how does that dude have a girlfriend, and I don't?I imagine it's because he's both a werewolf and a vampire. The moral: if you can somehow find a way to become infected with vampirism as well, you'll increase your chances of gettin' busy by 50%.

At 6:57 PM , Anonymous cassie said...


My name is Cassie, If you are what you say you are I need your help.... I wanted to tell someone about my condishion... Like my mom, but I realize its not safe, besides she wouldn`t belive me.
Please help!
E-mail me at

p.s. I rely need help!


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home