Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The cow-

-showed up today, along with the chickens.

That fucking cow is HUGE. I guess I just misjudged how big it was. The son-of-bitch didn't fit in the elevator, so I had to walk her up the stairs. The chickens were easy as hell though.They're all hanging out in the cage now, and it smells like a fucking barnyard. Next time, somebody remind me to not buy an animal that shits so much.

And chicken shit is EVERYWHERE.

The chickens pretty much go in and out of the cage at will, and are shitting on everything. Thank God the bedroom door locks.

Oh, and thanks for all the suggestions on books. I was thinking about joining a book club, but I don't know- it just sounds like kind of a sissy thing to do. I mean, I'm looking to meet somebody, and it just doesn't sound that manly to say "Later baby- I'm going to book club."

Actually, that gives me an idea.

What if I were to kind of toughen up my book club by running it like Fight Club?

I'd get a bunch of guys, and a stack of literature, and we'd meet every week in a dirty basement with our shirts off. Then I'd stand up and say-

"The first rule of Book Club is - You do not talk about Book Club. The second rule of Book Club is - you DO NOT TALK ABOUT BOOK CLUB! And if this is your first night at Book Club, you HAVE TO READ."

I'd get into the middle of the circle and explain that while I feel that Walker Percy is an outstanding philosophical/religious voice, his novels ultimately fail as they are merely attempts to tell the same story over and over again from different perspectives. Then I'd puff up my chest, turn to my opponent and say "Now- I want you to refute my central thesis AS HARD AS YOU CAN."

Then we're off to the races.

I think it could work.


At 1:40 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kirk, you're my hero...


At 6:52 AM , Anonymous rowd149 said...

oh my dear freakin' god... i'm telling you this right now, if you do that, you're gonna get shot. makes a good joke, though!

At 8:01 AM , Anonymous Rhonda said...

HAH - Kirk, I think you're gonna be one full werebeast after you finish off that cow...that's a ton of meat.

I can't imagine your neighbors must like you too much, but what are they going to say? hahaha

At 11:28 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya, how does briniging a cow into your apartment complex work? I would imagine with the mooing and clucking and massive animal slaughter once a month that folks would get a little... peeved.

Also, a warning about your cow. Seriously. They can go up stairs but they can't go down stairs. Their knees just don't bend that way. Not that the cow will live to ever walk anywhere again - but you know, it's just good info...


At 12:27 PM , Anonymous aad said...

Seconded on the downstairs thing. Once in high school someone played a prank by bringing a cow up to the third floor. Ha ha, fucking hilarious. The place smelled for a fucking fortnight and they had to stun it and cart it out in a crate. Also don't be surprised if you start using the word fortnight after this -- two weeks of cow exposure will do that to you. Like, make arrangements to dispose of it immediately. You can generally find guys in Jamaica who can handle this for you, although you probably want to be careful that they don't figure out what's up in case they decide to handle you too.

Also, Book Club? Dude, seriously, Fight Club humor is even more over than John Irving. If you're going to go there, go for the beginning of Glengarry Glenn Ross.

"PUT. THAT. AMBROSE. DOWN. Trendy literature is for closers only. Do you think I am fucking with you? I am not fucking with you."

At 4:34 PM , Blogger Andrea said...

book club is the best idea ever.

At 6:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Book Club might not be fair if you turn into a werewolf right in the middle of some hardcore refutin' though. I mean seriously, the book geeks wouldn't stand a chance.

At 12:58 PM , Blogger Benedict said...

Funny you should say that...



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