Tuesday, December 28, 2004


- I went to the meeting in the park.

I was nervous, partially due to the whole evite flap, but it was never mentioned, so I guess we're cool.

I suppose if you're a supreme werewolf looking to train a race of superbeings, you're not too concerned with obsessively checking your evite status. Say what you want about the supernatural community, but it seems that they aren't so internet savvy.

Lucky for me.

Anyway, on Christmas, I called my parents, told them I loved them, and had a restless night. When I got up, I didn't know what to do with myself before the meeting, which was to take place at 4:00 PM on the 26th, so I decided to shop for some kind of stretch pants or something. It was cold as balls, and I figured that bottom line, when I changed back, I'd really rather not be wandering around in the snow naked, so I headed down to Beacon's Closet to see if I could find something stretchy.

I don't know if you've ever been down there, but it's kind of a huge warehouse in Williamsburg filled with thrift store clothes and hipster accessories. Just as a side note, it's been hard for me to enter a warehouse these days without thinking of my own werewolf status. I mean, one wonders if a warehouse is just a man, who, once bitten by a house, becomes cursed to transform into a house himself when the moon is full. Incidently, the only way to truly destroy a warehouse is with a silver wrecking ball.

Jesus, that's stupid.

I apologize.

I've had a lot on my mind recently.

Anyway, I figured I needed some clothes that would either be so large that they would stay on my body, or have enough give that they could stretch.

Long story short, I arrived at what could have been the most fateful encounter in my life wearing a pair of size 52 waist polyester clown pants.

You heard me. They were red and yellow, and had paisleys all over them.

I found an XXL sweatshirt with a stretchy neckline, and threw an oversized pink housecoat over it all. Cut to 3:30 PM, and I'm shuffling down Driggs Avenue towards McCarren Park in an outfit that was one part Vincent "The Chin" Gigante and two parts 1975 Elton John.

I looked ridiculous.

As I approched the baseball diamond, I saw Alyssa by the backstop.


I started running towards her, tripped over my housecoat, and took a spectacular header over second base. By the time I untangled myself, she was standing over me, laughing.

"What the fuck are you wearing?"

"It's um- laundry day." It was all I could think of.

Just then, a booming voice was heard behind me.

"Kirk Thomson!"

I turned and saw a lean, Italian looking man in his mid 40's striding purposely towards me from behind the trees in a sharp tailored suit. He was carrying what looked to be an ivory cane, and his overpowering confidence in himself was enough to shut me up. I spun to face him, still sitting on the ground, and had to kind of scoot my housecoat around so the buttons were in front again. I tried my best to look tough. As I attempted to stand up, he flipped the cane around in an impressive 180 degree airbourne spin, caught it deftly by the bottom and pressed the handle, (which was in the shape of a wolf's head) against my chest, pushing me back to the playground dirt.

"You can call me Bruce. I have gone by many names. I have brought you here for a reason. You will find that what I have to offer you is- um...is....what the fuck are you wearing?"

"It's- um, laundry day."

Jesus, I needed a better line.

"Either way, you must come with me, now. The moon is rising and we don't have much time."

I got to my feet. "What about Alyssa?"

He turned to her- "Go."

"Not without Kirk." She said- in a show of backbone that I would have liked to have shared with her, and might have been able to pull off, were I not dressed Iike a homosexual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon.

"Kirk is the one I must deal with."

Just then, a police car pulled up, and two uniformed cops got out. As they hurried towards us, the man said- "These officers will deal with your problems with the law. Kirk- you will come with me. She will not be harmed. I give you my word."

"How do I know that?" I said.

"If I wanted her dead, she already would be. Her only purpose was to insure you arrived. Now, she is meaningless." He glanced at the sun, which was rapidly setting. "Clock's ticking Kirk- what do you want to do?"

I looked at Alyssa. She looked back with a "what else can we do?" look.

"OK- I said- "Where are we going?"

He pulled a small leather pouch out of his suit pocket, and removed a small silver whistle and two delicate earplugs, and put them in his ears.

"With Jeff. Right now. Cover your ears."

When he blew into it- the most agonizing high pitched squeal I have ever heard in my life forced me down to my knees and my fingers into my ears. When I opened by eyes, there was a van driving onto the baseball field and Jeff jumped out of the driver's seat.

The cops walked up and addressed Bruce: "So these are our missing persons?"

"Yes" he said- everything is taken care of. Make sure she gets home safely. No questions are necessary."

"No questions are necessary" said the first cop.

"Take her straight home" said Bruce.

"We'll take her straight home" the second cop said.

Holy Shit. I moved closer to Bruce and whispered to him- "Did you just do the Jedi Mind Trick on those dudes?"

He whispered back, " I can do LOTS of things. So can you."

Alyssa piped up- "You know what? I can walk- it's not too far."

"Bruce" I said- "let her walk- I'll feel better about it."

He turned to the cops. "She'll be walking home. Make sure you fix up those reports."

The first cop turned to Alyssa. "Why don't you walk home?"
The other cop said" Yeah- go ahead and walk. We have reports to fix up."

It was pretty bitchin', I'm not going to lie to you.

As the cops left, Alyssa wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big kiss. "See you soon?" She said.

I glanced at Bruce.

"It's up to you." He said.

I turned back to Alyssa. "I'll see you soon. I love you."

Her eyes widened- "Really?"

"Eh- you know, fuck it, sure."

She smiled.

Bruce grabbed my shoulder.

"Get in the van."

I winked at Alyssa and climbed in. Jeff took the wheel and we sped away.

Either way, I know this is sort of suspenseful and all, but this post is already WAY too long. I'll do the rest tomorrow. It's pretty fucked up what happened, but rest assured, I'm OK.

You know- for now.


At 7:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, man... I wouldn't have been able to resist saying, "These are not the droids you are looking for."

-- Chip

At 5:07 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 7:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Star Wars dude, he's quoting Star Wars.



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